Im bored so Im gunna put random really sweet things in here that I have saved and am looking through at the moment

Those who really love you
Don't mean to hurt you
and if they do,
they can see it in your eyes
And it hurts them too...

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My eyes burn from these tears
youd think id learn over these years
good thngs wont last forever
so what the hell am i supposed to do
you only wanted things i couldnt give to you
and you had it all anyway
so take everything and leave me scrambling
reaching for something that wasnt there in the first place
tell me im wrong when i say
i cant expect you to stay forever with me
i live for that single moment
i take back everything ive said
you wore those words on your lips
as if they meant anything anyway
sometimes i feel i could drop off the face of the earth
it seems i do more harm than good

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when you say im beautiful i say "yeah right"
but what im really saying is "do you really think so"

When you say good job i say "thanks"
but what im really saying is "i love that you notice"

when you say well be together forever i say"i hope so"
but what im really saying is "i hope forever never ends"

when you say i love you i say "i love you too"
but what im really saying is "never stop saying that"

when you say that i dont care i say "yes i do"
but what im really saying is "i care for you more than you'll ever know"

*********************************

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   Im extremely bored and have had an extremely boring weekend...which is the story of my whole frickin life. I was sick then I went to Jen's...got a little messed up...woke up soaking wet in Jen's tub...still not quite sure how I got there but Idk I guess I was pretty bad..I know I shouldnt have drank that much being on medicine and stuff but Idk alot of stuff is bugging me then I found out someones fucking with me once again and are now trying to take away one of my bestfriends in the process...I seriously dont know what Id do if I didnt have him to talk to...Its not like anything sexual is going on there so whats the big deal and it helps alot that I was bitchy BEFORE I heard that about losing that person but that wasnt suppose to be fore another YEAR then all of the sudden he says that he cant have any contact with me what so ever  its just not fair like seriously I dont even know anymore Im not saying Im gunna get all suicidal because believe me thats not what Im saying thats just stupid shit but Idk Im giving up. Its not like Ill ever get what I want anyway so whats the point? ugh I really doubt anyones reading this anymore you probably stopped at like the second line but oh well  I just err really need to vent AND Im all bitchy about how like this person can just randomly hate me...after we were bestfriends for HOW MANY YEARS and just randomly  *bam* Im the most repulsive person in the history of forever and god forbid he even hears my name wtf god I hate that fuckin immature little grrrr. I feel really upset right now...I knopw this stuff doesnt seem that bad but urgh Idk I just need someone to care...Im so sick of noone being able to care for me...and Im sick of people saying they do when I can obviously tell they couldnt care less...Im not that stupid. I just wana be out of school and especially out of frickin schuylkill county it sucks ass...ugh Im gunna go lay down or something and wait for that person to call me...I need to talk to someone before I explode...hopefully hes in a listening type mood

"If you read this, even if I don't talk to you often (or if we aren't friends anymore... or never were), you must comment with a memory of me. It can be anything you want. It can be good or bad, just as long as it happened. Then post this in your own journal. See what people remember about you."

...you better leave me some

hmm soo another piss poor day lol nothing really exciting happened except....well nothing really exciting happened at all so I dont know why I threw that except in there. Basically I just looked like crap all day and then me and Jen got in a fight after 9th period  it was like

Jen: "Yea my mom asked me if I was pregnant last night"

Me: "Yea you dirty slut."

Jen: "You would know alot about that wouldnt you"

Me:<slam her head into the wall and turn around>

Jen: <slaps me across the face>

then I turned around and like attacked her and started hitting her and stuff then she went right for my hair so we were like bitch fighting In the middle of the classroom (people were enjoying it sadly...) then I just stopped and started laughing then asked her if she wanted to go home on my bus lmao. It was frickin great then matt was sitting over there "do it again! do it again!" ahh we are so disfunctional

     Ahh well I frickin need a guy like seriouslyIm in like  guy deprivation  lol but like yea...Idk...Its hard to explain cuz I stopped being able to feel like THAT Idk why just did...now that I think about it thinking I was "in love" was like the stupidest thing ever lol but Idk sometimes Id just rather be naive and think it would last but hey cant change what I know right? everyone has to grow up  

    Im frickin tired and I have no clue why...Im like tired constantly anymore like seriously its frickin crazy

    Ahh I wanna diiiiieeeee

    Everytime I look at you I remember my naive years. Years when I was just happy to be in your presence, and I felt honored. But as I grow and learn stuff the hard way, I learn that "happiness" takes much more pretending then anything else. I learn that once you make yourself believe you are happy everyone else will believe it too. They can't see whats going on in youre head and chances are...they dont really care. And I remember my most valuable lessons: You take many more beatings then you can imagine before you find TRUE happiness and You will never be able to impress everyone and you definately will never make everyone happy...so stop trying and just focus on yourself.

<33 much love--